Schools, It’s Time to Talk to Dads
The email from high school started, “Dear Mrs. Ward, My name is Sue Green, and I am your daughter’s math teacher. I am reaching out to express my concern about her grade so far, 57%.”
Yes, this is some bad news for a parent. But here is something else to consider. My husband attended Back to School night two months prior and met Ms. Green (not her real name). He was impressed with the way her class was organized. He understood how the class would be taught, her policies and expectations. From all accounts, he had a productive conversation with her about our daughter. And yet, my husband was not included on this email expressing concerns about our daughter’s grades. The email was addressed to me, as the mother.
What is going on here? I realize that outdated cultural norms continue to persist: “husbands take out the trash,” or “wives do the children’s laundry.” But I wasn’t aware of the unstated gender roles that my husband and I play in our children’s education. Schools continue to perpetuate this misconception by addressing email communications to Mom, forgetting that Dad may have a say.
When my children started school, I had high hopes for their academic experience. Both my children have learning challenges, including dyslexia and ADHD. When I first got the diagnosis, I turned into a supermom advocate for both kids, making sure they had access to every benefit and resource possible. I was relentless in my pursuit of their educational accommodations. And then, a few years ago, I realized I hadn’t included my husband in this journey. This neglect led to resentment and misunderstanding between us. So, I reviewed my approach and didn’t take further actions without first talking to him and consulting his opinion. We didn’t always agree, but we became much better informed and supportive of one another.
What I didn’t realize was how the education system is actually set up to perpetuate the dominance of the mother making educational decisions and calls without the father’s input. As I started to include him on every communication and sign both our names at the end of every email, I noticed that the teachers, counselors, specialists, and administrators weren’t following my example. All communications were still addressed to me and rarely included him.
My husband sat quietly, calmly allowing himself to settle into the background.
It couldn’t have been reinforced any further than the day we had a conference with all our daughter’s teachers and the Vice-Principal. Everyone did an outstanding job keeping my daughter involved in the conversation, ensuring she understood the situation. When addressing us as parents, though, the staff seemed much more comfortable to direct their feedback to me. My husband sat quietly, calmly allowing himself to settle into the background.
We’ve internalized that moms handle the work of education advocacy. But dads care about their child’s development and growth just as much. It’s time to think about how to talk to parents. Here are some questions to consider if you are a teacher, administrator, or staff member at a school.
- When collecting contact info at the beginning of the school year, does your school ask each guardian to choose a non-emergency communication preference?
- When sending direct communication, do you know which parents or guardians would like to be included?
- During parent-teacher meetings, are you giving equal eye contact to each person?
- When meeting with just one parent, do you confirm how the other parent or guardian would like to be informed?
Moms may be initiating the conversation as strong advocates for their kids, but this conversation will be so much better when we include both parents. Perhaps we just need to give dads a chance to speak up and have their voices heard. It would be a welcome change for everyone!
